Whitney Drake

Mariah Carey announced the names of her children. Moroccan Scott (for the boy) and Monroe (for the girl).

Their logic? Moroccan Scott was named after the Moroccan Room in her NY apartment, which is where Nick Cannon proposed. Monroe is after Marilyn Monroe- an icon who inspired Mariah. (Apparently Marilyn was just too obvious)

Please tell me that people will stop making fun of Coco and Apple now. Because these are infinitely worse.

Before I knew that Moroccan was after the name of the room (and the decor style), I thought she was simply going with using the term to describe someone from Morocco. Which led to the following conversation with my mother.

MyMom: Would you name someone The Virginian?
Me: Now I want to. (That would be the most rugged baby ever, I imagine)

Then after we realized it was after the decor style, I named my super-imaginary next child French Colonial (My mom suggested Hollywood Regency). But because Moroccan Scott just seemed like it’s describing someone, I am now partial to Jamaican Bob. Welsh Rhys is also in the running.

But ultimately, Mariah Carey has created the ultimate baby naming meme. If it’s a boy, you name it after the location your proposal took place. If it’s a girl, you use the last name of someone you admired – bonus points if it’s used as a male first name.

So if I were having a boy and girl, they would be… Autopia Y-Position and Peron. Oh super-ultra-imaginary children, I do apologize. But Autopia Y-Position, it could be worse. It’s currently the Offroading/Backbridge area of the ride… which would make you Autopia Backbridge or Autopia Offroading. It’s also the Fantasyland Smoking Area, which just doesn’t help matters much does it? And Peron, I couldn’t resist picking the most bizarre role-model of all my childhood role models. Because ultimately, Hepburn actually is a kinda cool name. (But for a boy)

Sorry Mariah. I’m sure you think these are wonderful names. But you’ve definitely raised the bar when it comes to crazy names. Because there’s no way that anyone can use Moroccan for a first name.

Share your imaginary babies’ names, or if you aren’t engaged or married… just come up with the most ridiculous thing possible. Because after awhile, it’s just sort of fun. Sorry Mariah. I don’t normally like mocking people’s name choices… but these are just bad.

Originally published at American Whitney. You can comment here or there.